what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
