How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
