Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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