Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
