Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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