I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
