Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
