1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
