you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
