You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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