You can't motorboat a personality
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
