As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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