remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
