Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
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