wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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