I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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