haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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