My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
