The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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