why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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