nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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