i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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