I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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