dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
