I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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