she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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