Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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