i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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