Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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