Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
