Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
