No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
