chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You made out with two different species that night
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
