I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
