i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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