So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
