Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
