i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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