just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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