If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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