Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You have to summon your inner elephant
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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