I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
