How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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