i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
