I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
