so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
