chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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