bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
