What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
