This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
